Reality as I see it.

A country boy, mixed with the hood and the burbs, now sitting in Dubai, UAE wearing a 3 piece suit, sipping espresso, working from an iPad, but still listening to Kanye and Weezy, while smoking a wine flavored black and mild...life is so different, but I am still me...Kevin MF Jiles. Professionally, people meet me and are impressed with my knowledge of the world and are quite surprised that I am only 30, because of my mature mindset, but as I said...this is professionally, not personally. I am still Kevin, a fool, who enjoys good laughs and good friends, but family focused. Now I have just gone global, physically, while mentally I am still home focused, family oriented. I miss the creature comforts of the US and my family, but I know God sent me here for reason, but I am still trying to figure that out. None the less, my journey is always a progression forward, regardless of others opinions to the contrary.


The things I am doing is so that Mason will be taken care of and have a sense of pride when someone mentions me. I am trying to create a legacy, to which, when I pass, people will owe my family, not vice versa. This is my motivation, which makes my sacrifices so well worth it.




This is my inspiration for success, to know that this woman is taken care of and has the opportunity to experience the things she could never have imagined, drives me to push hard for success. My wife, the love of my life, my heart, my strength, when I have nothing left and I thank God everyday for her and for showing me how I truly NEED her by my side to accomplish ANYTHING in this world. I thank you.





My brother, if you know us and the relationship we have, I don't even have to explain to you what he means to me. He is/was like my son, before Mason was even a thought. I have always wanted him to be better than me and eventually push Mason to be better thane was, because they deserve better, the Jiles name is just as much about progression, as I am as an individual aspect.




My parents...I do everything I do, because of all they have ever done. Through the pain now, I know my mother understands my abscense and my father will...one day.

So this is Reality as I see it.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Dubai,United Arab Emirates

Lesson's Learned: Lesson 1 - The Present, versus the past and future.

Lesson: the Present, versus the past and future.

The Past: I was never one to be completely concerned with the past, mine or others. I had the tendencies to forget most of the "bad" occurrences in my life, once I mentally sorted them out and accepted them for what they were...learning experiences. Now as a learning experience, realize that I didn't think of it as a reference point that would constantly referee to like foot note warning signs. Instead, I would review, reevaluate and remove, meaning that I wouldn't really think of it unless it was something occurred again. The older I got, the more I started to try to hold on to some things as someone else's reality, rather than a lapse in judgement. This is a process that builds resentment and will more than likely diminish your ability to truly forgive, but now I can say that I am truly at a place where I realize that the past is no longer relevant within the present and that if progressions a daily goal, then relying on the past will be regressive and emotionally cripple any ability to forgive and progress.

The Future: I was always concerned with my future. I had the tendency to set lofty goals, then completely submerse myself with the idea of those goals and then create an entire life around it...mentally. Then being ADHD (diagnosed), I would create multiple scenarios and literally convince myself that I would attain each one, but separately and sporadically. I realized at that point that I was a dreamer who couldn't focus to save my life.

Daily I would concern myself with a plethora of thoughts, ideas and plans, then worry about how I would ever attain these things I wanted SO bad. It was so bad that I would rarely sleep, because as my mind raced a million miles a minute, I started to doubt the attainability of those goals, because I was convinced that I if I didn't reach those goals, I would never have the things I wanted later in life.

In my last semester of college I had the most relevant epiphany in my life...what will be will be. I began thinking primarily of the present and planning for the future. This removed a small boulder from my shoulders and allowed me to see my life in a different life, because I knew I would accomplish great things in life as long as I continued to just gave it my best and different fear the "what if's" of failure.also, I found setting a goal with time constraints where counter productive, but instead I gave myself of a time frame that could realistically be attained. Now on many occasions, many ideas crashed and burned: photography, a Williams Chicken franchise, a book, acting...you name it...I tried it or at least started the planning process and research. Many ideas were never completed and some were just flat out rejected, but I can say that I was always willing to go after each and every idea, because I was never concerned about the future and the possibility of failure.

I said ALL this to say that life is unpredictable and fleeting, as well as if we continually allow our past hurts and future worries cripple our present moments, we will never progressive and be hindered, not having the ability to appreciate moments we are currently living in. Live with in the NOW (Eckhart Tolle), because the past doesn't exist and the tomorrow is not guaranteed, as it is explained in the Book of Matthew...God's Word, truth!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Corinth, TX

PROVIDER...a spirit purge.

**Explanation: I don't consider the work below to be poetry, though it is some what rhythmic and poetic. No, this is a spirit purge, purely a regurgitation of thoughts and emotions, without a calculated thought process, preset theme, cognitive censorship or grammatical edit. This is just the purest form of purging the emotions in my heart, coupled my thoughts.**

PROVIDER
By Kevin M. Jiles

He has always been a provider of financial comfort and strength,
A man...the strong silent type that was never required to provide emotional comforts,
A man that provided security, but was never shown how to love,
A man whose idea of saying "I am proud of you" was either a slight, uncomfortable "good job" or a reminder that you could have always done better.

He was never quick to frustrate or get angry,
His patience was either a rouse or truly the inability to comprehend the emotions he felt, but most situations were short lived, so it always seemed as if patience was his virtue.

This was a man that I had to break down in tears to at the age of 23 years old, demanding to know why he has never told me he loved me,
This is the man that was never satisfied with any accomplishment I achieved and would refer to any successful moment as "what I was supposed to do."
This was a man that I have never seen shed a single tear, show fear or portray weakness, until recently.
He looked at me, with a tear in his eye and said...I don't know if she, will be here when you return,
His greatest fear or losing the love his life, mother to his 3 boys...his wife, was evident.

The pain, coupled with regret and fear, set in an isolated location, where only he knew what to do tangibly, but emotionally he is impotent,
The financial provider and oasis of security, was now the care taker,
Locked in a box of frustration and sadness, with daily reminder of what he feared most of all...the loss of his love.

His ability to emotionally, provide sustainability...mentally for her, is depleted, torn and broken,
Because the little head had was used up quickly.

His frustration and pain is clearly evident now, as he cries to me, as he hugs me, upon my return.
With the weight of the world...he is now on his knees, begging me please...to stay, because he needs me, but truthfully...I don't have the ability, which makes him feel more alone, stuck in a silent situation, other than a faint tapping from the living room, because she needs him.

His irritation and frustration, has created a resentful situation, because I have to leave as he believes...I should help and stay, but as a husband and father myself, I have to go, provide and pray.

He is my father,
She is my mother,
My family completed with my wife, son and brothers,
All need me to have the ability,
To provide;
Emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and financially,
Because now I am he, he is me...some how with in this family,
I have taken the lead.

So now I go to HIM...humbly.
To help me carry this family.
MY family.
So I can adequately,
Provide sustainability,
Because they all look for me to lead.

Prayer: Lord, I know that Satan had to ask YOU, before he attacked my family, because of Your teachings in the Book of Job and I pray that you continue to give me the strength, patience, endurance, and the words; to continue to be the rock for this family, through you.

Amen

Location:My heart and soul

She's a fighter, not just a survivor: My mothers battle with Cancer.

My mother, momma as we call her, fought breast cancer in 2003 and BEAT THAT ARSE (excuse my French)!!! She is a fighter not just a survivor! In December of 2009 she was diagnosed with bone cancer in her hip, a simple procedure of hip replacement, strenuous rehab and radiation, until she couldn't speak after the surgery. We thought the doctors screwed up with the breathing tube, but little did we know that the primary culprit to the bone cancer was a 4 cm mass on her lung near her esophagus, that was pressing on her vocal cords...lung cancer. My mother has been a smoker for over 40 years, so this was truly not a shock, until we found out that it was environmentally based, not smoke related, ironic wouldn't you say? So in our minds we were completely optimistic, because she had beaten cancer twice, but we were sadly mistaken, lung cancer is something very few can beat and many die quickly from, the doctor gave her two years, but said that would be the max. I had to realize that my mother was not going to live forever and that her days are limited, the hardest thing I have ever had to realize, my own mortality.


So now I sit with her and watch her wither daily. Mentally and physically, she is slowly dying with little hope, but hope none the less. I came to grips with her mortality about two weeks after the 2 year notice on her life. From there I just reminded her how much we loved and cared for her. I have always done this, but now I took more interest in having her tell me more about her and how she grew up. I sit with her and just talk, read scripture to her and ensure her that we are here for HER, as she always has been for us. Some days she sits and looks at me with tears in her eyes and mouths "I am sorry.", which immediately brings me to tears...why is she apologizing to me? She has treated me, my brothers and father like KINGS our entirely life and she was our queen. No, she wasn't a push over and would dig into us like any woman I have ever met, but she was also the greatest example of a mother and wife anyone could ever have...she cooked, cleaned, washed laundry and took care of us daily, plus still held down a full-time job. We had chores, but she truly always held it down for us...all day, everyday. So why is she apologizing to me for not being able to talk, walk and do? Every time...I cry, because I see the pain and hurt in here eyes to not be able to do what she has always done...take care of us, instead of vice versa...

My momma, she told me before I left for Afghanistan that I can't stop my life, career and growth to sit and wait for her to die, because I could be waiting a while. So as I grabbed my things and prepared to leave for the airport she told me to be safe and come back alive, she held her promise to me, that she would be here waiting for me, but now with my departure for Dubai days away, she doesn't seem as sure as she did before, but still mouthed to me in a faint whisper "I will see you at Christmas." with a tear in her eye and a subtle smile on her face.

My momma, my heart...I pray for her recovery everyday, but more so for her peace.

- BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Main St,Dallas,United States

Introduction of Mr. Jiles

Greetings! I have decided to discard my Facebook ways and create something to completely purge my thoughts, emotions, experiences, travels and spiritual growth in general...My Journey.

My life is currently a tumultuous culmination of peaks and valley's. My mothers battle with cancer, my marriage, fatherhood, my career and my daily emotional kaleidoscope of experiences most have never had the opportunity or misfortune to experience.

Upcoming Posts:
- She's a fighter, not just a survivor: my mothers battle with cancer.
- Afghanistan: it's really not that bad at Camp Eggers a.k.a Camp Cupcake.
- Moving to Dubai: fears, tears, change and growth.

With that, welcome to my life, mind and journey! Follow, respond and discuss!


- BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Baylor Medical Center - Dallas, TX